Sent: Tuesday, March 26, 2002 8:10 AM
naked. raw and exposed.... i'm sorry to be me. i am ashamed and embarrassed and yet I am strangely in control...
and such are my insecurities-- for whatever it is worth, and that may be quite a bit, this was the original message I wrote you-- but I sent it to myself and sent you an abbreviated version.
i think the uncensored version was better. i try to be articulate. i try to intersting. i try to be normal. i need someone to hear what I'm not saying-- sometimes-- I don't like talking in riddles all the time. I don't like onsessions and ruminations. i don't like explaining the obvious-- I don't understand why it must be so complicated. i have one task. I have no idea how to complete my task so I must keep searching. I developed new skills last night-- my car is still having problems and then my phone locked up.
I was completely lost on Sunrise Highway and could not find my way home (though I wasn't quite sure where my final destination would. I finally realized that I needed to pull over every 20 minutes to plan a short term traffic route. Forcing myself to stop for about 40 minutes each time I got lost allowed me to get through the emotions of the whole thing. You see I pulled over at a diner in Longbeach and they were able to reconnect my phone so I could call someone for directions or support or whatever! As I sat on the phone with tech support for over an hour,I started noticing that there were people sleeping in parked cars in the same lot.
I couldn't tell if the couple that just emerged from the car 2 spots to the left were conducting an underage indiscretion or committing a felony in the back seat... as I noticed others around me, I settled in to my home for the night. I did not feel so paranoid anyomre about shuffling about in my saomewhat respectable Honda Civic. I almost forgot for a while that I was lost. So I took a baby step to the next place-- and what an experience. I was still lost but closer to my destination-- and again, settled into another brightly lit parking lot by a "execu-stay" type of hotel/motel. This was working, so why rush. Why so frantic. Even with the phone, the car situation did not improve because I simply had no one to casll. Even if someone had come to get me-- where would I go? Where would I put my things?
II finally made it over to the closed Starbucks on the perimeters of the Hofstra campus. I was the only car in the lot-- and I boldly parked facing forward and watched the police race by me wihtout notice. I became very sad for this world just around then. They were racing around and it tooks about 30-35 minutes before a cop car drove up to me in the parking lot. Saddened by the reality that my suspicious activity was did not invite further inquiry, I had already decided to tell them the truth even before the car pulled up next to me in the lot. I did not even bother to park in a space-- I boldly parked horizontally taking up two or three spaces up front placing myself in an obvious and precarious situation. Do you think they knew it wasn't the first time? Do you think they saw through my decidedly in-your-face stance and tactics and saw this as a thinly disguised effort to feign temporary homelessness. Or would they be back tomorrow night? To be continued.
this is me. uncensored. please don't be scared. if you don't want to read anymore-- I won't send anymore.
I'm tired. Time to go to sleep. But I have no Pepe. I have no home. -edd i want to be normal. i want to be normal. i wish I understood the conventional traditions the family unit. i am strangely unfamiliar to any culture. I want to be part of your world. Would they know I am an imposter. This just got painful. I'm out--
Elyssa D. Durant © 2002-2014